My Diabetes Secret

My Diabetes Secret

This website makes me feel both less alone and also like I want to cry.

I can do the diet, I can do the lifestyle, I can do the psyche. But I still want to burn the world down for the unfairness of it.

The hospital feels more like home than my actual home does.

Sometimes, when I can feel a low coming on, I let it ride as long as I can. I want to feel the low. It’s like a drug high.

I do pretty good at home, traveling for work is hell on my diet! Where is my f’n will power!!??
Breakfast: “breakfast pizza” (wasn’t even that good, but I ate the whole thing!)
Lunch: DQ burger and fries (the burger name even referenced being fat!)
Dinner: “Taco Casa” tacos (I’d venture to say the meat is probably pretty low quality)
And don’t forget the package of skittles… been riding the roller coaster all day and I’m sick of it!
I quit smoking after six years with relative ease, why can’t I quit shitty foods?!

I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown. I can’t get myself out of bed to go to work. I am getting professional help and they tell me doing the everyday things help and skipping work will make things worse. But I can’t bring myself to walk through those doors and I don’t know what to do about it.

I just ate a donut. Guess who’s feeling the symptoms of a high blood sugar already?!

Oh diabetes, why’d you have to make me worry so much about food?

I scream at men I’ve never met about morals and principles, yet I am insecure when I order a coffee. I have diabetes type 1 and put needles in my legs everyday but I can’t tell my oldest brother I love him. After I work out, I smoke. I love losing control that’s why I drink. My youngest sister told me i taught her not to give a fuck what people think, but I don’t dare to wear new shoes. I’m still a virgin, yet every weekend I kiss a guy who doesn’t know my name. When I go to school in my pajamas I do wear lipstick.

Diabetes is all I’ve known in my life. If they suddenly came out with a cure and I was a candidate for it, I don’t think I would know how to live my life. Not that I’m saying it wouldn’t be nice if they did, just that I don’t think I would know how to live…