My Diabetes Secret

My Diabetes Secret

With having diabetes for my entire life, I have learned to use lows to help me do things. Whether it is to help me solve a problem or give me an edge on a mugger, it can be a good thing sometimes. I beg you to find how diabetes can help give you an edge on life. It’s the only way to make it livable.

Life has never been fun with diabetes. I recently had a mental breakdown over it all. Trying to explain that to my coworkers was not fun. But I’m here to say that none of us T1D’s are ever alone, there’s plenty of people right here just like us. We can’t forget that. We have to be there for each other, because the rest of the world consists of ignorant assholes.

I think the scariest thing to think about is how easy it would be to commit suicide as a diabetic. Just one low at night could end everything. It’s really terrifying when all the pain and sadness catches up to you, and that thought crosses your mind.

I had a bereavement recently. Since then my diabetes control has gone to sh*t. I’m barely testing, maybe once a day. My levels are rarely below 10. I’ve experienced burnout before but nothing like this. I know I should take more care of myself but I cannot bring myself to do so.

One time my pump didn’t deliver insulin to me for about 18 hours, and I never received a “no delivery” alarm. I was at a concert with my best friend and I got really sick because of it. Ever since then, if we hang out late, he asks “how is your blood sugar?” without fail before I drive home, and periodically throughout the night. He thinks that I find it annoying, but in reality, it’s one of my favorite things about him. It’s nice knowing he cares.

Sometimes I wish I would have never been diagnosed. I wish I would have just died. Because sometimes that seems better than having to deal with this disease every day for the rest of my life.

Any diabetics that are feeling self conscious should read this - http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/07/17/332255209/hey-miss-idaho-is-that-an-insulin-pump-on-your-bikini

I feel like I am just now accepting the fact I’m a diabetic… 15 years after being diagnosed. Finding this blog has helped me so much, and knowing others struggle the same as I do to have constant control of this roller coaster ride of a condition is reassuring.

I’m really glad this blog exists because when it’s on my dash I feel less alone in the struggle so thank you.

Sometimes the pain from the needles feels good.