My Diabetes Secret

My Diabetes Secret

At this point I feel like I want to die. I don’t want to live like this anymore. It’s been almost 13 years of this. Diabetes has become my life, it’s taken away what I want to be and what I want to do. It’s already almost killed me once. And I’m only 18.

I don’t want to die.

Every time I see another diabetic in my school I get really happy cause it’s like hey there’s someone else going through the same bullshit as you.

I hate how elitist the diabetes community has become. You have international and national events and conferences and its always the same bloggers who attend. Its always the same bloggers who get to trial freebies before they get released. It is completely unfair that these people are handed things on a plate when other trying desperately to make a difference have to self fund everything. The costs of which prevents them from attending the events these other people get to attend where they get free travel, free hotel and free admission.

I’m so embarrassed by my diabetes. Everyone looks at me with pity when I prick myself or give a shot. I hate having to get up in the middle of class to fix my sugar, or begging the lunch lady for some food because my sugars low and I have no money. It’s pathetic, and I’m tired.

I feel so annoying when I ask my parents to wake up at 3 am to check my blood sugar because I’m paranoid. I cry before bed a lot of nights because of it. I hate it. But I’ll also feel bad setting my alarm at 3 because I share a room with my sister. I can’t win. There is no winning with diabetes. I’ll always be paranoid, I’ll always be self conscious about it, I’ll always feel like shit from it. And the worst part is that I don’t know anyone who understands but I can also talk to whenever I need to. I’m alone. This disease isolates you and makes you feel like it’ll never get better—because it won’t. My pancreas will never work again. My life will probably be cut short.

I would give anything not to be a diabetic anymore. I would rather be with a father who beats me or an abusive boyfriend than have diabetes. The goal of saying this is not to downplay how bad abuse is, that is not the issue I’m getting at. Abuse is a big problem but not one I am here to talk about right now. My point is that at least when it’s people, you can get help. You may not feel like you can, but there are safe places that go can go to, therapy to get you through the tough times, etc. With diabetes, you can’t run away, you can’t hide, and you are always in danger. Your body is the abusive partner that you don’t feel like you can come to anyone about, the danger that you can’t fight against. There are support groups, and you can get the same help with diabetes that you can get if you’re in an abusive relationship, but diabetes will never go away. It will always be with you, beating the shit out of you, and you will never be able to do anything about it for the rest of your life. And personally, I want it to kill me. Knock me around enough to just destroy the rest of me.

I think it’s horrible that a select few people are always selected to try the latest diabetes products. Shouldn’t the people who need and could benefit from them the most, and not those that have the most followers on twitter/most blog views should have the first try?

I’ve never had a chance to spend my time with normal kid/teen issues like school, boyfriends, etc. — it was always diabetes. I’ve missed everything. I had to grow up so quickly that from the age of 10, I was an adult. I was and still spend more time in hospitals and home more than my other friends, you see. People always pitied me, talked behind me, felt sorry for me, made fun of me for this sickness, but this isn’t the only thing that bothers me really. I don’t care if they can’t see how diabetes destroys me outside and inside, they never will anyway. It’s been almost 10 years with this disease, but I still can’t believe the fact that I’m going to be sick until I die. I won’t be able to do things I want to, just because of this. I also can lose my eyes, legs, or any other part of my body because of this — I just can’t cope with it anymore. I have to think about everything, every move I’m going to do.. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I can’t help but feeling sorry for myself, just like other people. Now I’m 17, and very, very tired. I’m so tired of feeling and being sick, I don’t know what to do anymore. I just wish I were dead. I wish I wasn’t tired.

The doc is just a massive clique. It’s full of a select few who get invited to everything diabetes related. Conferences etc…..

The rest of us, well we’re just forgotten about because we just aren’t important enough